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Categories: Lost, Mind

She is Dead

20090701 2 comments

I am dying.

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Sleep Err

I am at all times somewhere but cannot be everywhere for even some of the time.  I will, for all time, be somewhere.  Sometimes, somewhere I want to be.  Sometimes, somewhere I don’t want to be.  Sometimes, I’m somewhere else but I’m always somewhere. Sometimes someone is somewhere, somehow, for some reason.  I don’t know when I am or what I am or where I am or how and why I’m here.  I travel in the dark. Yet, I know I’m here, somewhere. I’m here, I’m there, but I can’t be everywhere at all times.

Wandering in the dark, how will I know when I’ve arrived at my destination?

I don’t sleep walk, yet I travel in my sleep. In my dreams I journey to my future. While in slumber I encompass visions of my past. I knew something was different about the way the power came back on.  A large booming sound is fitting for throwing the switch of lights in a stadium or large factory but a sound that powerful seems inappropriate to enlighten my place in time and space.

A system is developed from processes continually doing something. When something isn’t being done, processing stops. Time is a system of processes. In order for time to progress, something has to be happening. If nothing happens, time stops. I proved this point by doing nothing. Something happened when nothing happened. I hit my head when attempting to do nothing, which was something. Something I couldn’t have planned for, something I couldn’t have made myself do. Something wasn’t expected when I was supposed to do nothing.

Coordinates are set by the coordination of constants. Something is either on or it’s off. There can be only two absolute positions. Dead or alive, black or white, on or off; we are in a binary world. Where we are now is the result of the right and wrong positions of where we’ve been. Where we go can only be determined by the switches we place now. Doing this instead of that puts us in an either/or situation. Stopping to start turns something on and something else off.

I am asleep or I am awake, I cannot be both. I’m in the dark or in the light. I either know or I don’t. The switch is on or the switch is off. I control the position of the switch. The networking of my life is under my command. The power is in my hands.

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Travel Link

I am still here in your time, in my time, the only time I remember.  I am also here or was here or will be here.  There is or will be more of me here, in this time. Having walked the streets of the city I saw a man older then I am. I saw a man younger than I am. The older man’s wrinkles masked the similar features we shared.  The younger man was hidden behind the veil of a hooded jacket and sunglasses.  I am here in the past.  I know I am here now, and I know I am I here more than once.

If that’s what I know now, what am I supposed to do now?

I still don’t know why I’m here or where here really is. I have no idea how I got here, what it all means and when it all will end. I know I can only have experience in what I know when I can learn from my experiences.

I’ve been through a power outage. Regardless of the things I’ve made happen, happen, I can’t see how I could’ve caused that. During the power outage everything went black. It was as if time had stopped. The only source of light that was seen was the blue glow of the power LED on this netbook. The light warmed and comforted me. My netbook is a travel companion I always have with me. I take it with me wherever I go. I don’t remember ever not having it. I seem to have always had it. Wherever I go, this traveling companion reminds me of home.

Once I was surfing the web with my traveling friend. It was late at night and I was tired, but looking back at it now, what I saw was amazing. What appeared to be the star field screensaver flashed on my screen. I didn’t have that screensaver selected. The pixels were different; they give the impression of having moving pictures within them. Windows of time were flying through space. There were millions of them all in their place. I wondered if one of them was mine.

There was another time I traveled to another time with my traveling sidekick. It wasn’t as late in the night as it had been before. I was able to look at my future with a critical eye. While criticizing my future I was in fact praising my past. My past is my future. The future has been here and gone. The future is in a file that’s been filed, but the file of the future is gone. My future is history. I’ve lost my access to the past.

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Constant Variable

I am a fraction of one. I have split. I have divided intentions. There’s a crack in time; an alienation of my mind. He’s following me; he’s following him. I set myself up for failure but at the same time fail to set myself up for success. I battle from within, a war that cannot be won. Losing is a victory and being defeated is my goal. I know him, he’s familiar. He’s unfriendly but he’s his friend. What happens to be happens to me. What’s happened to me has happened to him. I just happen, to make things happen, to make things happen, again.

When will the divisions I discern stop multiplying in my mind?

I asked him to pick up some groceries for me that day. I was ill. Being the caring and concerned man that I am, I also asked him to get some cans and non-perishables for the needy. The bank was just a few blocks from the store. I was hoping he would see the need to help those in need.

I had required his assistance the day before. He has the ability to get the reception of a transmission I’ve been missing. The digital conversion has had a much deeper impact in this city. We may be living in the digital age, but life will always be analog.

There are things I have to tell him without him knowing he’s been told. First he’ll need to realize where he is, then where he’s going and finally, where he’s been. You can’t tell someone where they are; you open their eyes and show them.

When he first arrived, I knew he would be confused. It was just a matter of time. I could see the uncertainty in his eyes standing in line at the coffee house. Clear your head get away, take a drive, I told him. Rent a car.

Of course, I knew the course he would take. A right turn here, the wrong turn there. He was sure to find a dead end. I didn’t know he would stop in front of my house to try to figure it all out. So, I went down to tell him I had forgotten, so he could remember. As he walked away, I could see him soaking it all in.

There are lessons only the game of life can teach. I can’t tell him what will happen when he finally loses his grip. Her love will lead him to what his future holds. I can’t warn him or mold him, but she can. He will be what he’s become. Although a king in his own mind, he’s been a pawn in the minds of others. She’s the answer we’re all looking for; she’s the solution to our equation. Perhaps this time, in his time, her expressions won’t be lost.

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Lead Ding

I am being followed. I suppose that makes me the leader. I’m glad he’s finally following me but I’ll pretend not to notice. It is so incredibly obvious when someone is trying to follow you, especially in this city. This is my city. This is where I make what happens, happen.

I went into the grocer’s, of course, that’s where I knew he’d be. That’s where I would lay the bait and watch him bite. I walked into the store pretending to talk to myself or to a Bluetooth buddy everyone seems to chatting with these days.

I rambled words like reception and transmission; deception and commission, eventually he fell for it. Looking down and out the corner of my eye I saw him pause, pretending to look at catsup. One of the advantages of wearing dark wrap-around sunglasses is they don’t know you’re looking, when you’re looking.

Two bags of cans, bottles and boxes later I’m off to the bank with my trailer in tow. Here’s where it’ll get really interesting, for him anyway. The bank was soliciting donations for the local food bank, can’t wait till he figures that one out. So, I drop the one bag of cans and non-perishables wait a few minutes and then walk out of the bank; down the stairs and right into his head.

What’s easier, to have someone follow your tracks or your train of thought?  

I must’ve waited an hour for him to show up the next morning. We were footing it; it gave him more time to think. He’s got to be thinking about why I didn’t take the train, that’s good. The train’s not ready yet but it will be.

I knew he wouldn’t follow me into the hospital; he never has, so the next show would have to take place outside, as it did right in front of him. There it was, his landlord jumping out of the back of the ambulance, screaming about not receiving the rent. Right on cue, the body on the stretcher rolled out being ambiguously covered from head to toe. That was a great idea, if I do say so myself.

He’ll be putting it all together soon. He’ll flip when he realizes this was his trip while trying nothing, the collapse of his mind and the injury of his head. There was only one thing left to do that day; I sent him off on his journey into the great unknown. His initial integration was my first decomposition and the last to maneuver on my list. He didn’t have to figure out that the rental car had a faulty transmission, I gave him that one.

I’ve led him down this path, my doing has been done. The rest is up to him; the best is yet to come. It’s just a matter of time.

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When Sum

I am disarming my defenselessness. You win some you lose some. With every victory there is a defeat. One will lose the other will win.  Winning isn’t everything; losing isn’t a total loss. In ignorance we lament losing without visualizing our success. There is victory in defeat if we imagine a conquest of the cause. The reasons outweigh the resolutions. We are only injured by an incident if we fail to learn from our mistakes. Experience triumphs over ignorance and time heals all wounds. We fight a losing battle when we put ourselves in a no-win situation. No one can lose a no-win situation; in a no-win situation, winning is nothing. Can we conquer our confrontations without considering the condition of our circumstances? The moon was on the horizon, embraced by the clouds. He reminisced; I listened. He spoke and I took note. I can’t help but think that his story will have a way of repeating itself if I fail to learn from his past. He told me about the war. Watching from the trenches he sees his friends fall to an undetectable enemy. The piercing blasts from the enemy rifles ricochet off the buildings and the trees concealing the hidden nemeses. Entering the battle’s edge he feels the ground softer and his legs heavier. He slowly pushes himself forward; his heart is racing. Even though he moves quickly, running isn’t an option; there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Each succeeding step is more and more difficult to begin. Finally, he arrives at his objective; standing at the axis of death. Lives extinguished in an instant of time. Scanning the bodies that lay mangled under his feet he finds one twitching with limited life. Lifting his friend’s bleeding body over his shoulder he strenuously returns from whence they came. Once over the embankment, he lays him down and goes back for another. On his third return, with another friend’s weight on his back, he gasps for air an instant before hearing the echo of a shot. The bullet ruptures his lung and compresses his chest. Struggling to breathe, they ascend the mound of earth and plummet to the channel below. With his buddies beside him, he has a vision of help moving towards them; his world fades to black.

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